Names, places and time periods in emails have been altered for the sake of privacy; those are marked with an asterisk
*Carla, Cleveland, OH (10/19/18)
My current Non-Existent Boyfriend is my ex-boyfriend. We used to date for years until we broke up not too long ago.
Right now, I’m having car issues; my mileage is way over what it should be because of all the driving my ex-boyfriend did when we were together. That being said, one day I suggested to him that we car pool to work since we work right next to each other. Surprisingly, he told me he couldn’t! When I asked why it would be a problem, he told me he picks up and drops off his new girlfriend to work– I flipped out! I don’t care about his new girlfriend. I called him every name in the book when he told me we couldn’t car pool. I’m exhausted and I’m totally done with him. I still can’t believe he’s my Non-Existent Boyfriend and that I’ve been letting him get the “cookies” from time-to-time. I’m done! No more for him! I know I’m not his girl and I shouldn’t be upset, but I can’t hold my feelings in. I know, I’m crazy.
“Controlling Your Crazy” Advice
I’m diving in again…(all love, no judgement).
It doesn’t sound like you need a Crazy Coach– It sounds like you need a voice recorder so you can hear your own advice given right back to you!
Believe it or not, you’re a smart girl. You answered the questions you THINK you don’t have the answers to. In all that you wrote, you said, ” I know I’m not his girl and I shouldn’t be upset, but I can’t hold my feelings in. I know, I’m crazy. “
*Carla, that’s it! You’re not his girl anymore.
While that may be bittersweet for you, you’ll have to look yourself in the mirror and make that very claim out loud. What your Non-Existent Boyfriend is doing, is being a boyfriend to his girlfriend. When you and him were together, I’ll guess that he did things for you that didn’t interfere with other women. You have to step back and accept that he’s a true Non-Existent Boyfriend in your life, and by definition, that’s a man in which you EXPECT to function as a companion regardless of title, significance or emotional presence in your life. In other words, he’s not your man.
Listen, the mileage racked up on your car is history. It was something you did for him when you and him were together so that’s a simple loss. It’s impossible to make him pay the price for the mileage YOU let him rack up. He’s in a relationship now and it’s equally impossible for him to be what he used to be for you. He’s clearly not ready for a fresh start because if he was, he wouldn’t be dunking your “cookies” into his milk (if you know what I mean).
You’ll have to control your crazy by seriously cutting your ex off. It doesn’t mean he has to be your enemy. However, until you can get to a space that doesn’t allow your emotions to get tied up with his and you’re not allowing him to use you for your goods (because that’s what he’s doing), then you need to stay clear from your ex turned Non-Existent Boyfriend. It’s not healthy for either of you and trust me, you’ll get nothing out of this except heartache and disappointment. Hold off from cursing him out and most importantly, hold back feelings. If you felt that strongly about him, and him about you, you’d still be together– let it go.
Is your ex driving his new girlfriend’s car to take her to work?? If so, this might be a habit of his and she’ll be the next “Mileage Mary”; consider THAT.
Your favorite blogger (and “Crazy Coach”),
Email your crazy story to ControllingYourCrazy@gmail.com. Leave your name (or alias) and the city and state of where you’re from in the subject line.
Subject: Toni D. from Los Angeles, CA